I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
