Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
