Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
