oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
