This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
