It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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