so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
