u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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