bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
