Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize