Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The best revenge is premature balding
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
