My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
