i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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