dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
