the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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