I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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