His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
