peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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