Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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