I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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