Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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