Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize