I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
