We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
