I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
they need to just BURY HIM!
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
