i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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