Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
