If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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