i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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