5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
