pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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