i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Let the clothes fall where they may.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
