I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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