If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
