Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
