Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize