I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Can you bring me the toilet please
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
