i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
