Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
