I'm gonna have a badass scar
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
