forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
