Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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