so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
