Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
