did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
