No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I will die if light touches me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
