Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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