Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
