um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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