wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
