haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
