I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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