He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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