dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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