I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
