fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
