my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
