I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
