She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
